Sleeping beauty

I haven't been able to sleep lately, probably more so after speaking with my married couple friends this past weekend and asking them their opinion about contacting my ex. "But she's always on my mind," I explained, "I only want closure from the situation." They both looked at each other as if it was clear I was just going through the grieving motions of someone still broken hearted. "It will pass," he said to me. "Believe me, I've been through this before. You think about that person for a while after, but eventually it ceases to have the same effect on you that it is having now." Everything they were saying to me was true. Our relationship, even via outside eyes was less than perfect. I had put her on a pedestal of greatness and now, here I am dwelling on your absence but I don't even remember what made you so great.

I suppose that is what makes never having closure with someone so difficult. If indeed, closure is what you think you need. The problem is I still think of her. Perhaps, almost everyday. It used to be 'scenes' of the past that would jog my memory or something she said to me that stuck. Now, more often than not, it is just thinking of her. Where she is, how she would talk to me if we did speak, how we might serendipitously encounter each other again - her, visiting her family in my neighbourhood of Toronto and us bumping into each other at the local bakery/cafe. I can't believe I just wrote that, but I am almost not ashamed to say that this really has stayed with me. I secretly wish those things would happen just so I could see her again and go 'Aha! You're ordinary!' and feel relieved to just tell her I wish it would have ended differently.

Part of me is in incredulous that I still think of that relationship that ended over one year and 7 months ago. How long does this process take? I just want to forget about it already, but it has its way of coming back to me. I think it hits me worst at night. I am 29 and just recently moved back to live with my parents amid a life change that I am making. I don't have my own apartment, or car, and I spend more nights than not here in my parent's study on my laptop. I do go out, but I am rediscovering my city after spending several years living abroad and away. It is almost the complete opposite to my former self to be back in my childhood house, and because I need to re-build friendships here in the city, it will take sometime till life is "normal" again. So, in the evenings when I am alone and everything is quiet I think of her.

Last night, before I went to bed I was reading. Upon finishing the chapter, I was genuinely tired, and in my freshly washed sheets I knew I was going to sleep soundly. This morning when I woke up abruptly to the sound of my cell phone alarm I realized I had dreamt something. I recognized there was a woman in my dream, to whom I could not distinguish, but she was not her. She was someone who captured me in the chaos of my dream, but it was not her. I was glad. It was someone different. It felt hopeful.

I often ask myself 'When?', when will I forget and fully move forward. I know that I cannot answer that. I know that it is a feeling. One that I have experienced time and time before, but for other reasons. I can say nothing profound at this point. It is time, only time, and I suppose it will be a little while. G'day.