Today, I felt a surge of happiness. A surge of waiting, holding back, and tranquility for doing so. I watched my father spiral quickly into an outrageous fit of anger and allowed him to do so for 15 minutes straight saying nothing but what a perfectly calm stranger would say: 'It was an accident'.
This evening we were watching the hockey game, Saturday night in Canada, and I felt happy to be watching with my Dad. I even was close to 'face booking' it and making it my status: 'Watching the Leafs with Dad, not such a bad Saturday night.' I don't update statuses often. It has to be pretty awesome for me to update my status. Well, in any event, I didn't post it. Probably for the best. My Dad comes prancing in after a satisfying dinner with a huge ice cream sundae for dessert. He smiles mischievously at me like I can't have any and moments later knocks over the hot tea I had sitting innocently on the floor. In the instant that he realized what he had done, that it had spilt generously over the bottom edge of the sofa and under the sofa slightly on the carpet, his mischievous smile turned into an angry and disbelieving scrooge. Can I remind the reader that he spilt tea on both a dark gray carpet and sofa?
Anyway, from here he went into an irrational and blame-placing diatribe where I was lazy, my mother should eat all the ice cream she wants now because he won't buy it anymore, and that I am ungrateful and don't care. I stood there as he frantically cleaned with dish towels refusing to let anyone near it (that is understood without being said) but constantly blaming us that we don't care and cannot understand the damage to the things he worked so hard to be able to afford.
This is a common occurrence here. This "threatening" happens so often it makes me sick. Actually, it makes me very angry. It is unfair and unkind, but my father is not logical, not rational and not sensible often. I love him, but when he has something in his head, well, that's the end of it. Nothing can change, nobody is worthy and the world is against him. One thing he does in his older age is threaten his own death - the kind of "you'll miss me when you're gone, so respect me when I am here." Sadly, I do respect him but when something is out of whack in his little world it appears to him that I don't and that moreover, I am ungrateful.
Sorry to rant, I needed to provide an accurate description of this little freakout to remind myself that I am still sane. One who cannot put words to a situation with accuracy is biased, is emotional and isn't thinking straight. This is not the person I want to be. I saw what I saw tonight as a bird views the busy city from up above. I was removed. I was looking at him calmly and thinking, was that me? Have I done that? Immediately, I thought of Sarah.
I will not digress here, because that would be another post, but our behaviour is strong enough to stop apartheids, start wars, break people and kill others. I have done that already with someone I loved. I lost her because of it. I am ready to start a trend of positivity. I am ready to change my perspective. To love and be loved. To care for and always, judge favourably. Most importantly, to be calm and be patient. Happiness takes effort and patience is the first large hurdle. Thanks for reading. Goodnight.
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