Frustrated and the splits

I am really bummed lately. Well, really just this week. I have started doing all the practice tests, with timing, for the upcoming exam I will be writing in April. I know, it's only February 20th but to me April feels like next week. I have spent a lot of time studying, but perhaps not that much practice until just now and what I am starting to realize is that I am not as polished as I would like to be. 

What scares me is will I ever be? This exam has been, literally not even fucking kidding, the most challenging thing I have had to do in the last five years. It plays on me like a disease….at bay when thinks are seemingly under control to full-blown when I loose my grip a bit. Truth be told, it's all I have wanted since I finished my Master's degree four years ago…but it feels so slippery like I just can't pin it down. I think I am super perplexed by this situation because it doesn't fit the bill. If you are more diligent and work hard, then things should be easier or things should work or you simply should just be successful. Do you mean to tell me this isn't true? How do people not give up? How do people not get discouraged? 

The anxiety and stress I feel about my whole future riding on this exam and whether or not I get back into school has weighed me down for the past few years. It has affected me as an individual, my confidence in myself, my positivity towards life and my relationships with those I love (i.e. parents, girlfriends, even friends…). I can see that much clearer now. I am trying to remind myself that it is not the be all end all and life will go on….but I want this. Why can't I have it? Why am I not worthy of this opportunity? Is this some perseverance test that has been put forth me? Maybe…this is not a test of worth at all but of learning one of the hardest lessons of my life: maintaining my composure and positive outlook even when things seem shitty. I don't know, but I am certainly working on not allowing how I feel about this exam affect my life and what I love about feeling present, caring, giving, loving and alive. 

I want to be able to help people and actualize my dream to be a doctor. I don't want to give up on you, my dream. I want to know I am capable of anything. I am capable of this. Goodnight. 

Women

I started browsing an online dating site recently, however, let me just start by saying, dating was not the intention, well, not the primary one in all honesty. I just wanted to meet other 'like-minded, gay individuals looking for good conversation'. Yes, I believe that is a line in my profile written under "why you should contact me". The thing is whenever I meet someone and I am sexually attracted to them I automatically go into this love trance that most gay women experience where you suddenly move so quickly that by the time you know it you guys own a dog, have an apartment together and have stopped going out on Friday nights because you prefer to cuddle at home on the couch. Don't misunderstand me - if you love someone that much, then all those things are great. However, I don't think you need to project that far into the future and suddenly try to imagine how it "might be" to be with them. Can't shit just go at a normal, relaxed, and above all, natural pace?

So…I met a girl on there. We've only met a couple of times, but I am very attracted to her and her to me. Is that all we have in common though? I mean, it seems that we can talk effortlessly about nothingness for many hours without awkward pauses and still laugh. Although is that because we are just waiting until the end of the night when we can kiss? I don't know…but I know one thing that has thrown me off a bit. I vowed to myself that I didn't want another relationship with someone. I didn't want to feel in love with anyone, I didn't want to be distracted by things that were plainly and clearly, only distractions. Listen, it's been three dates. Not such a big deal, but I am distracted by the thought of her…fuck. I hate this shit. I don't want this. I just want to be footloose and fancy free! Does that even exist though? What guys really get away with this shit? Or I suppose the real question to ask - how do they not fall in love with people?

This Friday we are going out for drinks with friends of mine. The truth be told at first all I wanted to do was just fuck her. Then after Monday night, when we were kissing in my car, and the way she kept her face close to mine without looking into my eyes, just being close to me and wanting to touch me, reminded me, although distantly, of a time before when that is all I wanted to do with another human being. So, now when I think of Friday night I think of making love….why, I ask myself, why. It likely will be some weird mix of the two. There, I officially predicted what sex I am going to have on Friday night. I hope this isn't a terrible jinx…but I can help but fantasize a bit about it. I wonder if she is fantasizing about it too. I do suppose there is nothing wrong with distractions that keep you sane.

Thanks for listening good friend - talk to you again soon.