Depression Hurts

Dear Friend,

It has certainly been a while since I last posted. I read only the first few sentences of my last post to remember why I was so downtrodden at that time - my job. Months later, in December, I still loathe my work but only now it has crept it's way into my personal life and manifested itself in me as my second (conscious) episode of depression and anxiety. Lately, I have been straining my relationship with my partner, putting her through countless fights and circular arguments. Hurting her feelings. Perhaps, as she asked, unconsciously sabotaging this relationship that I hold so dear. History has repeated itself. So here I am again in another relationship, one that I cherish to the heavens, and my depression enters. It's like a bull in a china shop. As much as I scream for it to stop running and leave, it just leaves a path of destruction that I am left staring at blankly in disbelief. Once the bull has stopped breaking delicate items, I am left to pick up the shattered pieces and hopefully, be able to repair them. That is what my depression feels like to me. This mad beast that lives within me to torment my mind before he leaves me barren and alone in the wasteland he created.

My depression hurts me in the way that it paralyzes me. It usurps my thinking and drives me into a state of insecurity, worry and despair. It highjacks my rational thinking and leaves me with nothing left to do but sit teary-eyed on my bed, wondering why this is happening to me. Life goes on around me. People are working, striving, loving, accomplishing, and I am stuck, or seemingly so. The effort required to push myself is greater than most times, and it feels so demeaning to be shackled within my own thoughts. Don't I control my body? My mind? Don't I control what I want to do!? It's a frustrating place to live within. Unfortunately, I am not the only person I affect when I feel like this. I affect those around me, closest to me, those I wish to confide in and be 'real' around. When those people are your partner, it is the hardest thing. Frankly, you don't want them to see you like that. You want them to desire you and care for you and long for you the way they did before. Not to pity you, or see you as weak. Inevitably and undeniably, most that don't understand this feeling, don't know why you are behaving strangely or harshly. They see it as a personal attack on themselves and this complicates the situation. For you wish nothing but to foster love with that person, but your sense of insecurity and fear is so great that you unwittingly behave erratically and alienate yourself from them.   I am not sure why I was triggered into this episode. Only four months ago, I felt fine. I felt confident and alive. I pray everyday that all I am doing to support myself will help me to overcome this.

Oddly, this being the second aware moment of depression/anxiety I have experienced, I feel better knowing that I am buried underneath all this turmoil. It is hard to think this is a side of you....I don't believe it is a part of who I am. I think I am plagued by this when I feel misunderstood and isolated. Depression and anxiety are still stigmatized in our world. We see a cheery person on the outside and cannot imagine that inside they are hurting, wretched from feelings of loneliness, sadness, frustration, worry. But you have everything you ever wanted! Why do you feel so alone? So sad? That's the one million dollar question. I have always fought with feelings of anxiety throughout my life. I never could name them. I never knew what I was experiencing, I just knew it didn't feel like me. As of late, I have felt compelled to talk more openly about my feelings and try to shed light on how debilitating it can be to feel like this for those that have never experienced it. I want to help others too. I want them to know this: the people who love you and know YOU, know that this isn't you. This is your inner demons, your childhood trauma re-visited, anxiety on not being where you want to be. This isn't you and we understand.

The Hardest 9 months of my Life

I have been waiting for an appropriate moment to write this post. I wouldn't say Monday lunch is the best time, but I am sitting to eat anyway and my tablet happens to be here. I suppose there isn't a better time than now. Oh gosh old friend, I almost need to hold back the tears as I try to verbalize in words the months of dissatisfaction I have experienced in my current job and the disappointment I have experienced looking for a new one.

I am going to make a bold statement and then completely contradict myself. I dislike always complaining about my work. I really hate my work. I know it is unproductive to complain day in and day out about my frustrations with our management, their lack of direction and strategy, their inability to support me, and a company, that frankly is just bottom line unorganized. I decided, just barely past the one year mark, that I could no longer thrive in such an organization - in fact, it was draining me of all my energy, my motivation and my happiness. So, nine months ago I took matters into my own hands and worked diligently to create new job prospects for myself. I started with the usual LinkedIn, Workopolis, Monster.ca, every recruitment boutique that specialized in healthcare sales and essentially flew my banner as hard as I could. The results were promising. I attained six interviews within this period. I made it quite far in the interview process, and in most cases, was a final candidate for the position. I know you're wondering, what is the problem? That's great! It's tough to get interviews! The final candidate! Wow - they must really like you out there! The problem, dear friend, is that I didn't land any of the positions! Not one. The response was always: "You're great, but there was someone with experience in this area", "We wished we had two positions", "I am not sure of your commitment to sales" - ok, that last one I made up. However, I am pretty sure that the HR that interviewed me at one pharma company definitely had her mind made up that sales was not my true calling. Honestly, after all this, I am not sure it is.

I started my Canadian Securities Course recently and although I enjoy reading about the stock market and how business is conducted in that industry - I don't know if working in it is what I want either. I looking for something that is fulfilling. I am looking for a job where I feel valued and not just some lackey or coffee fetcher. I want a job where I use my mind and challenge my skill to solve problems and creative new ideas. Am I an ungrateful millennial that is just never satisfied? I tend not to think so, but I wonder, how many of us are out there that would just jump on the first offer because we need change and are afraid that it may never come again. I have never in my life felt so lost with "what I want to do when I grow up". I thought I had that all figured out, but then when plan A failed, my plan B wasn't well-developed and left me in a bit of a tailspin - looking for a job that was reputable, paid well and in healthcare - just never thought that I would be a fucking sales rep. I don't want to give up hope that I will find something fulfilling whether it be in this space or not. However, I am not convinced that I am doing even near what I was meant to do. Perhaps, that is an acknowledgement that my objectives are skewed. I am thinking I need to evaluate what my top priorities are from my job. Is it money? Or is it job satisfaction and meaningful work? Who am I even asking right now.....

Till next time.

Feel this rift in your soul old friend....remember.

Hello old friend.....it has been a long time since I have written here. I suppose the last two years were less than inspiring to be able to put words to the page. This year has been full of introspection, and keeping in the theme, I did a short review of all my data tracking sources for 2016 - The Five Minute Journal, Google Calendar, and this blog. Although, I never wrote in you this past year....it was refreshing to read about how I was feeling/thinking over the past three years. Certainly, that counts for something, no?

What did I learn? Let me see...well, I know I was a self-loathing, depressed fuck for a while. Anxious, sad, lost. I know this sounds cliché and a tad nauseating for those that felt like I did in 2013 but I feel light, full of light and shining. My energy is warm and bright and there is no doubt I am in love. How is this different from before? Very. I am in love, but I am not wearing any type of blinder, glass or filter. My vision is clear....my mind is clear....my outlook real. It is incredible. I can foresee a future with a person that I adore, who not completes me, but energizes me, inspires me, and makes me be my best person. Is this what it means to find that person? I think about it often friend.....I look into her eyes and they are the only eyes that I wish to look at when I fall asleep at night and wake in the morning. Surely, she is not like anyone else.

So - does love make everything OK? Well, one thing I have learned in my past 32 years friend is that love and compatibility comes with being who you truly are and having your partner's support, encouragement and trust. Love can make everything "OK" so to speak but the truth is, a relationship is fostered when both people come to that relationship with all the kinks worked out. It's not easy to build a solid foundation when you are aren't committed to giving yourself fully and completely to another with no expectations. I know myself better now that I have in the past 32 years....I feel like I am learning everyday and I am happy I with someone who is always seeking and learning and adventuring too. This is the spice of life friend, this is what makes the mundane routine bearable. This is what drives us....life is long and I never want to stop being my best person. I am grateful that I can share my best person now with this girl.....and maybe, if she feels like I do, take a step with me into something more.


I cannot believe its 2017....this truly feels like the beginning of a new chapter. I cannot say why I am so hopeful, why I am so at ease with things, but I am ready for the change. I embrace the change, the love, the wind whirl, the adventure, the movement, the beauty, the difficulty, the striving, the motivation, the perseverance, the humble becoming, the people, the music, this life. I am alive again, I feel the music....I feel it in my soul, my teenage angsty soul......thank you. Be well old friend. Talk again soon.