This is the laziest afternoon ever.....I have just sat around trying hard to distract myself. Wake up, 8:30am. Back to bed by 9:15.......but I was up at noon with a whole day to waste. I watched TV, ate lunch. Tried to go to the gym, but was a half-hour after closing time. All it's done today is rained. Although......I did put the fan away so I could set up this reading chair in which I am now sitting watching the rain fall outside. It's nice. Very calm, quiet. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. Now, I really feel everything but not the hurt. I feel like there is a big space to fill....and I am not sure I know how to fill it, yet. I still miss you, or the thought of you. I still miss me, too. Slowly though, I am seeing myself again. As once, I used to be. The days go by so slowly though. I keep looking at my calendar......August 22nd. One month. It's said that it takes 28-days to make/break a habit......will I begin to forget after the 22nd?
I feel like when the summer ends and I go home, I will return and feel lost. I wish I could just know.....but then, this wouldn't be real. What is really surreal is that it has been so long where I was content with just being me. Pursuing my interests, not hoping others will carry me, love me, desire me. The hours roll on with no calls, no emails.....nothing. It doesn't hurt as much as it once would have. Perhaps, that is an improvement. I have been able to stop myself from seeing hurtful things.....and I haven't had that power in a while. It was a rational power. I used my mind, not my heart and I have been able to heal. Not dwell as much. I still need a little help to focus.....the ritalin isn't bad for that. Sometimes we all need a little help. I don't want to burden anyone anymore......I don't want to burden myself.
Who will be the next one? Will she be beautiful? Will she be kind? Will she be strong and austere? Will I love again? I do not feel like this will be soon.......I feel like I have much time before I do. And........it doesn't scare me.
