Dear Friend,
It has certainly been a while since I last posted. I read only the first few sentences of my last post to remember why I was so downtrodden at that time - my job. Months later, in December, I still loathe my work but only now it has crept it's way into my personal life and manifested itself in me as my second (conscious) episode of depression and anxiety. Lately, I have been straining my relationship with my partner, putting her through countless fights and circular arguments. Hurting her feelings. Perhaps, as she asked, unconsciously sabotaging this relationship that I hold so dear. History has repeated itself. So here I am again in another relationship, one that I cherish to the heavens, and my depression enters. It's like a bull in a china shop. As much as I scream for it to stop running and leave, it just leaves a path of destruction that I am left staring at blankly in disbelief. Once the bull has stopped breaking delicate items, I am left to pick up the shattered pieces and hopefully, be able to repair them. That is what my depression feels like to me. This mad beast that lives within me to torment my mind before he leaves me barren and alone in the wasteland he created.
My depression hurts me in the way that it paralyzes me. It usurps my thinking and drives me into a state of insecurity, worry and despair. It highjacks my rational thinking and leaves me with nothing left to do but sit teary-eyed on my bed, wondering why this is happening to me. Life goes on around me. People are working, striving, loving, accomplishing, and I am stuck, or seemingly so. The effort required to push myself is greater than most times, and it feels so demeaning to be shackled within my own thoughts. Don't I control my body? My mind? Don't I control what I want to do!? It's a frustrating place to live within. Unfortunately, I am not the only person I affect when I feel like this. I affect those around me, closest to me, those I wish to confide in and be 'real' around. When those people are your partner, it is the hardest thing. Frankly, you don't want them to see you like that. You want them to desire you and care for you and long for you the way they did before. Not to pity you, or see you as weak. Inevitably and undeniably, most that don't understand this feeling, don't know why you are behaving strangely or harshly. They see it as a personal attack on themselves and this complicates the situation. For you wish nothing but to foster love with that person, but your sense of insecurity and fear is so great that you unwittingly behave erratically and alienate yourself from them. I am not sure why I was triggered into this episode. Only four months ago, I felt fine. I felt confident and alive. I pray everyday that all I am doing to support myself will help me to overcome this.
Oddly, this being the second aware moment of depression/anxiety I have experienced, I feel better knowing that I am buried underneath all this turmoil. It is hard to think this is a side of you....I don't believe it is a part of who I am. I think I am plagued by this when I feel misunderstood and isolated. Depression and anxiety are still stigmatized in our world. We see a cheery person on the outside and cannot imagine that inside they are hurting, wretched from feelings of loneliness, sadness, frustration, worry. But you have everything you ever wanted! Why do you feel so alone? So sad? That's the one million dollar question. I have always fought with feelings of anxiety throughout my life. I never could name them. I never knew what I was experiencing, I just knew it didn't feel like me. As of late, I have felt compelled to talk more openly about my feelings and try to shed light on how debilitating it can be to feel like this for those that have never experienced it. I want to help others too. I want them to know this: the people who love you and know YOU, know that this isn't you. This is your inner demons, your childhood trauma re-visited, anxiety on not being where you want to be. This isn't you and we understand.
