What scares me is will I ever be? This exam has been, literally not even fucking kidding, the most challenging thing I have had to do in the last five years. It plays on me like a disease….at bay when thinks are seemingly under control to full-blown when I loose my grip a bit. Truth be told, it's all I have wanted since I finished my Master's degree four years ago…but it feels so slippery like I just can't pin it down. I think I am super perplexed by this situation because it doesn't fit the bill. If you are more diligent and work hard, then things should be easier or things should work or you simply should just be successful. Do you mean to tell me this isn't true? How do people not give up? How do people not get discouraged?
The anxiety and stress I feel about my whole future riding on this exam and whether or not I get back into school has weighed me down for the past few years. It has affected me as an individual, my confidence in myself, my positivity towards life and my relationships with those I love (i.e. parents, girlfriends, even friends…). I can see that much clearer now. I am trying to remind myself that it is not the be all end all and life will go on….but I want this. Why can't I have it? Why am I not worthy of this opportunity? Is this some perseverance test that has been put forth me? Maybe…this is not a test of worth at all but of learning one of the hardest lessons of my life: maintaining my composure and positive outlook even when things seem shitty. I don't know, but I am certainly working on not allowing how I feel about this exam affect my life and what I love about feeling present, caring, giving, loving and alive.
I want to be able to help people and actualize my dream to be a doctor. I don't want to give up on you, my dream. I want to know I am capable of anything. I am capable of this. Goodnight.
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