When I last wrote in here, I was living in Spain. Now, that time seems long ago although I really have only been home (i.e. in my parents' house) for two weeks. I feel as if I need to catch you up to speed. Essentially, I had been living abroad for almost the last three years. Mostly to learn Spanish and live in a new country, something that not many people can afford to do. When I say afford I am mostly referring to giving up personal commitments and making life changes to do it.
I moved back to Toronto, where I am from, with the idea that I was going to go to medical school in the United States, but upon returning is when I realized that I really could not financially afford it. In no way, were loans and co-signers going to help this one. It sucked. I had moved my whole life back here, to where I grew up, only to be stuck and have to start over again with no plan. Well, not entirely no plan, but a big mother fucking hole in the one that I had already carefully devised and constructed this whole past year.
It has become some really weird test for me to be back here living with my parents. Not only are most of my friends from high school married, some even have children! Here I am in the isolation and uniformity that is North American suburbia and sometimes I fear that I will forget where I have been the last 6 years. Normally, when I return here I feel a sense of isolation, sadness, and bitterness towards everything and everybody that embodies this place. I know now that in order to survive it (superarlo in Spanish), I must change the way I feel about it.
This change isn't easy. It doesn't consist of me saying 'Ok, I want to feel different' or 'I don't really hate that you shout for me when I am in the kitchen and you are sitting two metres away', but rather, mentally changing the way I am affected by the things I cannot change myself. It would appear to me as if I have been running away from doing the hard stuff. Re-writing my MCAT, facing the truth about my parents and that I must change if I want change to happen between us, not looking at my situation with disdain and sadness but looking forward with positivity and smiling. It is not 100% concrete in my mind that I am doing this. However, it has taken a while to look at myself and see that I am not that strong…that my strength came from being content with 'other things' - people, good grades, travel, sports - not with myself, my outlook, my positivity, my perseverance, my ability to make any situation favourable.
At times I still have this mental blockage. I've had it a while now. I wake up with it sometimes. I wake up with it more frequently when I live with my parents. Although, it is now I can admit, it is all me. It is my personal struggle with myself and what the fuck are we struggling about!!! I want to dissolve this blockage like draino unplugs backed-up pipes. I want to want to be close to others….to dissolve this figurative ice block that surrounds me and has frozen my sexual chakra for sometime. I am not warm. I am cold, but I like to think that even in this fierce winter weather I will get hotter.
Happiness takes effort, the name of the new direction of this blog. I want to discuss the inner workings of this girl's mind (me) and record overtime how with our immense physical and mental effort, we can change our perspective and in turn, change our reality. At the moment this starts with my relationship with my parents. I hope this will continue to grow like a fast growing tree, roots alive, spreading quickly through the moist, earthy soil.
One of the most special people in my life once said to me: 'Tus pensamientos crean tu vida' - 'Your thoughts create your life'. I think of that everyday.
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